Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
