Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
