Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
