fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
