you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I am available for nakedness
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
