I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
