I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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