Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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