The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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