just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
