How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
