So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
