also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
