My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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