I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
