I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
