I could make wine with my vomit
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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