Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
