WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She's like a pop up book from hell.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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