So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
