Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
