I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
