every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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