I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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