I could have mohawked her pubes.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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