theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
