HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
