Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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