Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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