I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
