He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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