Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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