I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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