He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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