We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
