just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
