Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
