i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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