Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
