the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
