Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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