Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
