Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
