the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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