So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I checked into jail on foursquare
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
