Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
