So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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