saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
