i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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