OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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